Tuesday, February 2, 2010

is it all true or just a nightmare...?

I guess day 1 and 2 were the hardest. Not realizing yet that all that I was told on Wednesday afternoon was no joke! Coming back to the gym even for just a simple work out, feels weird. It is empty, only those wannabe body builders. Trying to lift weights and look cool. Not a single drop of sweat and just too funny to watch. But you pretty much know what I mean. Going upstairs to the cardio machines is even worse now. Where or who is my motivation for a 45 min run on the treadmill now??? I haven’t been on it since. I know I should keep it up, do it for myself and stuff. But believe me it is harder than you think. The treadmill is soooooooo boring, that it is almost impossible without a motivation. And even I would do the 45 min on level 9, who would I challenge with that? You are not around to come and tell you. And do not tell me I am cute just because I am doing it. I guess it is my sense of competition.

You are gone! And all just because a stupid mistake/decision you made. I could go ahead and preach all the wrongs, but I figure as much as you already know what domino effect you have triggered.

Right now about 6 days later I am still restless at night. If I had 3 hrs sleep per night then I got lots of sleep. I keep turning and waking up over and over again. Why? I do not know. I have dreams that I come back to the gym and you are there, just working out and lifting your weights as you did every morning. I see myself walking up to you and giving you the “you have been an absolute selfish idiot” speech and then giving you a big hug of relief. But I guess it will never happen. Well at least not in the near future. And then I dream over and over again about our little conversation behind the mall, when you told me that the only fear you have is going back behind bars. And I think that is what keeps me restless, at least right now. I am worried. Worried, that you are not alright. That you are living your own nightmare. I think about the officials just doing their job, but taking away things that are precious to you, like a little iPod full of music that brightens your day or a simple cell phone to at least keep in touch with your friends and your family.

I have met you as a caring person. And I remember when we were in Ruan’s office to figure out how we gonna manage the kickboxing contract with my crazy schedule, you said: no wonder I am still single, my mom keeps texting my all day long! You care, and do not try to tell me you can just switch of your feelings. You wouldn’t let your mom text you all day long or you wouldn’t talk to a 16 yrs old Renee to figure what bothers her. You would not have listened between the words when I mentioned I might have to leave Canada. Alright, Mr. Tough!!! No more switching off feelings, because even if you wanted to you couldn’t!

Okay, you will have to pay for what you make us go through. With us, I mean the rest of the girls and guys at class. Shawn actually volunteered to take over class until they would have found a new instructor. Lord!!! Help me!!! I was soooooo close to go and sit down in Scott’s office and tell him not to let Shawn do it. I am not sure, but I guess I would have given Shawn such a hard time! Yes, I can be evil, if I want to and if I was given proper reason. Now they got someone pretty quick, which kinda saves Shawn from going through all my evil plans. But Pat told me the new guy has Cauliflower ears!!! Geez, thanks Pat, that is not a good thing to mention to me. How am I supposed to give that guy a serious chance??? Okay, I guess I have to. Tomorrow is day 6 without you at the gym or kickboxing. Let’s see how that feels. At least I know that I had the best instructor for the first 3,5 months and I hope I won’t forget everything you have taught me so far.

Went to class today. It was only Renee and me that showed up. And I know a lot of people cancelled their memberships when they heard you were gone. So, I met Ian. He is a good guy. And he knows what he is doing. But it is a totally different world of MMA/Kickboxing/whatever. He is more a boxer, therefore he teaches more boxing techniques than traditional martial arts. Doing a simple round house he wants us to get on our tippy toes on our left leg. It feels weird, since we were taught to keep that foot planted, and not tippy toe what so ever. He actually made us warm up with jogging around the boxing studio, do lunches, criss cross legs around the studio and so on. I bet Morgan would have loved it. I am not sure yet if I like it or not. I know I should not be pre-judgmental but I can’t help it. Ruan and I talked about the situation, too. And it won’t be easy for either side. Whoever is left from class will have a hard time to adapt to Ian’s teaching style, and it will be tough for Ian to adapt to the routine and comfort we all had being taught by you. I fell a little better today and I think and hope I will be able to finally sleep through again, but it does not feel totally right. It is your boxing class, your students. And I told Ian that I am probably the one he needs to proof that I could live with his style. But he got one thing figured out very quickly. He already knows to keep freaking Shawn out of the Boxing Studio. Rene and I told him not to let him in when we have class, and if to not to pair us up with him. Ian actually said that Shawn is a weird freak. Ian is 5,8” and Shawn took a pad and held it way up above his head and asked Ian to do a high kick. Seriously??? Stupid Shawn! Anyways, that problem should be taken care of, still does not solve the original issue!

I am still going to the gym everyday and it still feels awkward! Everybody is behaving so much differently. I mean staff is behaving different and gym members are either not there anymore or just in their own little world again. When I get there and I am done with my weights and I come over to do my cardio, there is no one I can talk to. No one that has to say something. No one just waving over. Fuck, what a start in the day without that little chit chat. That will take a while until I get that settled. I hope you are aware that you broke your promise to me! Let me refresh your memory: I won’t go anywhere! You promised it!!! Remember? You said it a few times. And I still hold you to that. So you better make up for you disappearing, when you will be back.

Oh yeah, apropos back. There are so many rumours about you. Some say you will be back for sure. Some say you won’t be back at all. Some say you are still in Frontenac Pen. Some say you downtown at the Waterfront Pen. Geez, I do not know what to believe no more. Talked to Joey today and even he does not know for sure where you are stuck right now. But believe me I will find a way to track you down! Promised! And believe me I do keep my promises!!!

Geez, Corey. I do not know how to say it and believe me if you would stand in front of me I would probably never say it. But I miss you. I miss seeing you pacing up and down between your weight sets. I miss the way you knew how to push me way beyond my limits. I miss that smile that came through every now and then. That little sparkle in your eyes that assured me that you are a good guy. I miss the passion you had teaching that mixed group of people. A group were other instructors would just say that there is no hope to teach. I miss the days you were in such a bad mood that you mad us all suffer. The days you were happy and you had this evil look, and again you made us suffer. But all these days that we suffered through the class, we liked it the same moment we hated it.

Right now, I am not too sure if you ever read all the stuff I write. But if you made it so far, you almost made it through. Not much left for me to write. I already have written more than I usually would have said. I have learned to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. Burned child! Only occasionally I put them down on paper. But I promise you, you cannot turn off feelings!

And I guess that brings me back to the point where I have to say that I am worried about you. I guess it is my nature that I worry about people a lot. And it would not be the first time that I worry about you. But it is for sure the time that I do not know what to do. And do not get me wrong, I know you did things wrong and you have to pay for whatever you did wrong, but all I have right now is that moment you telling me about your fear to go back behind bars.

Okay, I figured as much, that it must be really confusing if I would just keep adding to whatever paragraph I feel like adding stuff to day by day. So, yep I fooled you when I was writing earlier you are almost through. Hahahahahaaa

Besides, it is your own fault, so suck it up princess! Why would it be your own fault??? You not really asking that now, eh? Well, do you have an idea how hard it is to locate someone within the Kingston Penitentiary System??? No? Well, thought so! So it will take me a few days to find you and I will use these days to just keep writing what has changed here without you.

Becky made it to class today. She was there on Saturday already and has met Ian Saturday for the first time. She said it was hard for her, since Renee and I weren’t there. Just all kind of new people. But today was actually fun. We fooled around on the heavy bags, while Ian was trying to teach some basics. Like Jab, Cross, Hook... Tyler is all happy about Ian, because he does more boxing than you did. Becky and I did that back fist challenge after class and I guess it would be her turn to do the dishes! Ian liked it and asked me to show him so he could learn it and probably teach it in class. So, after that he did some quick one on one instructions with some of the new guys, so I went off to the heavy bags and just kicked them as you taught me. You know that kick combo where I could kick 2 people and do not put down my foot for the first 3 kicks. Again, Ian came and I actually had to walk him through that combo. He liked it and he said he would practice it. He asks a lot what kind of stuff you taught and he really tries hard to satisfy everybody. I kinda feel sorry for him, he said today that he is scared. Well, I try to keep him motivated. You know telling him stuff like making that boxing class, his class. And that there will be people that will leave but he will get lots of new people in too. And believe me it is not easy to do this. Even I am being sarcastic again and I joke around and I like the class with Ian, I still wish you would be back!!! It would be so much more fun. Becky said today that she wants to write you a letter, and that she would love to visit you. Renee wants to bake you a Birthday cake with a little file in there. I mean she would be the only one make the guards believe that it is just a Birthday cake. With her puppy eyes. Anyways, it just shows the girls miss you too!

I did talk to Joey yesterday, and even he does not have a clue where you are hiding right now. So believe me I have several people out there on the corrections system with a note in their pocket. And that note is simply your name. I’ll find you and be ready for me, it won’t be fun only!

I didn’t set my alarm this morning to go to the gym like I usually did when you where still around. Of course I got the “you’re late” evil eyes from Marc. Geez, it is still so weird going to work out and you are not there. But I got to talk to Joey today. And he talked to your mom, so he had some news or at least more correct information for me than anyone else there. Which gave me a little more peace. So apparently there is the guy, I guess your parole officer or so, who is trying to give you a hard time. Joey said something about a good chance you coming back pretty soon. Well, the question is, how Joey defines “soon”??? We will see.

Oh, so Ian Dawe is a UFC Canada fighter. And some guys at my workplace are now super jealous that I get to train with him. Not sure what to think about that. I guess it is a personal preference that I would like your training better. But I have to admit that I sweat more at Ian’s classes. At least so far. But I remember times when Morgan was still around that I was working as hard as now in Ian’s classes. Anyways, it is not the same and I have to say again it will take me a while to get used to it.

Shawn is now working out in the mornings. I always try to stay out of his way but I could not do it this morning. So he started asking all these questions, how I like class with Ian, and if it isn’t amazing how many new people Ian has already brought to class, bla bla bla... I wish I could just be rude and tell him to go to hell. Lucky me I had to go to work. He also asked me if I wanted to practice with him for a bit. lol

I guess it is pretty late right now, so I will hit my cozy zone for now. I hope you are alright, I am still worried a bit. I know you can watch yourself, but there are things that we can’t control. I wish I had the possibility to let you know that I am here if you needed someone to talk to or listen or just to know that someone is around. Maybe I get some more news tomorrow from Joey. You never know...

Damn, Joey is a cool dude. So, this morning I leave the gym after my work out and here are Scoot and Joey at the desk. Scoot asked me if I tried Ian and how I like him. Before I can answer he tells me that he talked to your mom and that you might be out soon. And Joey found out for me which out of all the possibilities you are stuck right now. YEAH! Now I can get rollin’ ! Corey, honestly, I give a shit about your past, I am not worried that you might be any danger to me. All I care about is a friend! I would do it for all my friends. The day you picked me up in the waiting line for the elliptical, you let me become your friend. And as you have figured already, I am very different from everybody! But I guess I see ya soon. I so hope for you that this all works out and this nightmare is over soon.

Another day full of thoughts in my head. But at least I have a plan now. I should stop thinking about it though. Because the more I think about it the more it sounds ridiculous to me, or embarrassing. I’ll do it anyways. Nothing to lose here, eh.

So, I wasn’t able to go to Kickboxing on Thursday and Saturday, had to work. Really sucked but I guess it had to be that way. So I went to the gym today after work. Oh yeah today is Sunday. Did my weights, chatted with Joey. And then the usual nightmare to get into the boxing club. Geez, where did they find those 2 clueless people??? The girl is I guess Indian and the guy is a young guy with a beard and blond hair. Anyways both of them tell me that Ian has the “new keys” to the boxing club. WTF??? I have seen Ian’s keys and they are exact the same keys you had. So, I tell them that, but both won’t even go and look for a key. So, Joey steps in and tells them to check the key box. They look at each other as clueless as always. Finally Joey goes grabs a key and guess what? That key opened the boxing club. Not sure why those 2 people still work there, but if they would be working for me, they would have been looking for a new job already. Anyways, I did some punching and kicking. But I am afraid to admit that I forget already some stuff you taught us. I do not like that, so you better make sure you come back soon. I know it is not you to decide, but at least try.

Okay tomorrow I will try to drop of this endless letter here and some German chocolate at the Kingston Pen. Let’s hope Joey’s source was right and you are there. Otherwise I see those correctional officers enjoying your chocolate. lol

I hope you are doing fine and that there is some hope that you will get out sometime soon. There are lots of people here that miss you. I promise you that Becky and Renee will be super happy to see you again. And between you and me, Renee was already planning before all this happened to bake you a big Birthday Cake. So you better be here on your Birthday, whenever that is?!?!?!?!

I will see if I can get back on the treadmill in the meantime, but won’t promise anything.

Take care and do not do any stupid mistakes that jeopardize you being out soon. I can’t wait to see you again. Let me know how you doing and even you only have limited access to a phone (as I assume), remember that you can call me at any time. Even in the middle of the night. Because that’s what true friends are for...

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